We moved this week. That one sentence is smack full of emotion, stress, relief, anxiety, hope, and exhaustion.

Our closing in on Friday, but we moved out the weekend before because we didn’t want to be rushed and I wanted to have the time to properly clean the “old” house before we shut the doors for the last time. (I might cry.) But this also means that we are unpacking and shuffling things in and out of boxes.  We are staying with Jamie’s mom for a few weeks while we continue to search for a house.  So basically we are camping out, living out of suitcases, squatting, whatever phrase you like.  I’m so grateful that Jamie’s mom is awesome, and is happy to have us here.  … But still its just not ours, ya know?

After the truck was unloaded, the beds were re-assembled, and walking paths were cleared through the rubble, the first thing Jamie did was set up the wireless internet. Haha. The first thing I did was set up the bathroom.

Nothing says “vacation” or “just visiting” like carrying a shower bag with all your stuff in it back and forth from your sleeping quarters to the bathroom.  So in order to feel like home, my toothbrush needed a home.  I don’t think home is where the heart is, I think home is where your toothbrush lives.  You can sleep anywhere, but if your toothbrush is all snuggly and warm in its little cup beside the sink, and your girlie goods have a hiding place, then you can feel settled.

Now begins the awkward dance of adjusting to a new home, someone else’s home, and how your life works in this new territory. But at least my toothbrush has staked its claim.

I was driving around town the other day, flipping stations, searching for a song that was entertaining yet suitable for a 15 month old to hear (a challenge, I tell ya), when this song came on.

Instantly I was in 7th grade, standing on Mary’s back deck at her birthday party, wondering if David was going to ask me out, and wondering what I should answer.  I vividly remember that excitement deep in my stomach.  A feeling that was always so prevalent back then. Its the same uneasy, unsure, pure excitement that I always felt at the State Fair as a teen.  Where did it go? When did it go? All I know is that its rarely ever there anymore.

Maybe it was the raging hormones of teenage crushes, maybe it was the thrill of the unknown future, maybe it was just a digestive disorder. I don’t know, but I miss it.  I think the last time I really remember its presence is when Jamie and I were dating.  I remember our first official date was to the Fair, I remember him giving me a hug, and those butterflies almost made me throw up! (Of course, that probably partially was a lingering stomach bug that had me bed ridden the week before, LOL).  I remember being consumed with wondering if he was going to hold my hand. I remember the excitement in the pit of my stomach.

I heard a quote in a show where the mom was asking “Where did the passion and excitement I had 5 years ago go?!” Her husband said, “Back then you didn’t know what your life would be like. And now you know.” I still have dreams, things I’m working towards and goals I want to accomplish. So there is still some unknown in the future. But where did that excitement go? Is that just a part of getting older? Cause if it is, then that sucks.

I don’t really have any answers, I just wanted to share my little trip down memory lane and its subsequent questions.  What are your thoughts?

On Saturday, my family and I participated in the Triangle Memory Walk, in support of Alzheimer’s research and patient care.

An aerobics instructor getting everyone moving before the walk

It was a pretty cool event. I hadn’t ever done one before.  But this one was special to us.

The back of the shirts we made.

Our grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. It has been a strange road. My grandmother (my dad’s mom) was diagnosed several years ago, and is very advanced in the disease. So its been tough seeing Granddaddy in the beginning stages of it, knowing where it can lead. We’ve been wanting to do something, and when this walk came up, we knew it was a perfect opportunity.

There were over 2,500 people registered to walk, and they all raised over $130,000!  There were groups there like ours, walking in honor of a loved one. There were community groups, sororities, and there were even nursing home employees pushing patients through the walk.  It was really awesome.

Me, Mom, Erin, Kristen, Jill, Ellen, Christine, & the babies

I think we’ll do it again next year. It was nice to do something productive as a family. It was only a mile & a half walk, but it feels like we really accomplished something.

all tuckered out from her long walk

I heard a tragic story last night.  A friend told me about her friend whose 18 month old daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep. I had met the family once, I didn’t know them. But it still hurts. Perhaps its the mom connection, maybe its that my daughter is about that same age, maybe its just the human heart. Either way, it shook me. My first reaction or thought was of how I would feel, and then fear tried to grip my heart. I let it, momentarily, then I came to my senses.

As parents, it is our sole responsibility to stand guard over our children, for our children. As Christians, we have the power of God’s Word, the power of the blood of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to guide us.  What happened to that family is tragic, and I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know why that sweet baby died. But it doesn’t have to happen to my family, and as long as there is something I can do about it, it won’t happen to my family. Fear is stupid. I read in a book recently that “Doubt is trusting our own fears more than God’s Promises.” So I will not let this get me scared. It is my human nature to get scared and sit in my daughters room every night all night to make sure she’s still breathing. But I have something bigger and more powerful than myself.

I have God’s Word. It is true. It never fails. It does what it says it will. God is everything He says He is, and we can stand confident in that.  Psalm 4:8 says that we can lie down and sleep in peace because God keeps us safe.  Every night as I put Charlotte down to sleep, I confess that over her.  Since the Word is more powerful and unchanging than any measly prayer I could pray, I simply say what the Word says.  And like Ephesians 6:13 says, after I have done everything I know to do, I stand. I stand firm on God’s promises that my children will live long and prosperous lives. I stand firm that God promises to keep them safe. I stand firm.

By standing on God’s Word, I stand guard for my child. There is an enemy out there who would like nothing more than to stop my daughter from fulfilling God’s purpose in life, from fulling the plans He has for her. And I refuse to let my guard down, to let fear enter and paralyze me. I will stand guard over my daughter, by standing firm and speaking God’s Word over her life.

You are the one God has placed in your child’s life to stand guard over them. Stand guard by standing on God’s Word and His promises.

Having a house on the market sucks. Lets be honest, it just sucks. Having to keep your house in tip-top shape, having strangers walk through and examine WHILE YOU ARENT THERE (so creepy), and having to drop what you are doing at any moment when “the call” comes.  That sucks.

I think I’ve done a fairly good job of keeping the house clean. I’d be totally okay with anyone dropping by (most days).  But when I know I have a showing scheduled, I do an extra extra cleaning. And that’s what I’ve been doing today. I’ve been looking at every single detail, scrutinizing every corner, even the ones on the ceiling! And what has amazed me is how much work it takes to clean a “clean” house. I mean, I thought it was good, I thought it was decent, but it apparently wasn’t as grand as I thought.

My friend, Ann, gave me a beautiful piece of ceramic wall art that says, “Whatever is excellent and praiseworthy, think on these things. ~Philippians 4:8″.  I hung it on the wall today and it really motivated me to really do a good job cleaning, and not just hiding and masking! Excellence: doing the best you can with the resources you have.

So many times in our spiritual life, we feel clean, we think we are decent… then we start to really look deep.  Thats when we start to see the cobwebs in the dark corners of the ceiling.  We have to live a life of excellence. We cannot ignore those things.  We have to deal with them, clean them up. And sometimes that takes a while.  Sometimes it takes some sweat and tears. But its worth it. When this house sells, all that sweat and HAND SCRUBBING OF THE FLOOR will be worth it.  When we get to Heaven and we hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”, it will be worth it.

So… do you have any ceiling cobwebs you need to clean up?

its been longer than i’d like since my last post. so let me get you up to speed on where i am.

1. the house is STILL on the market (boo).  so that means my days are filled with constant tidying, cleaning, (hiding), and praying!! the right buyer is on their way

2. jamie and i are doing a modified “daniel diet” during the week, so basically no meats or sweets.  and we cheat like mad on the weekends. cause, really, who can resist grandma’s cookin’ on sunday?! its going pretty well, i’ve discovered some new recipes and have been forced to get creative.

3. i started doing a weekly meal plan (which reminds me, i gotta do this weeks!). i dont know why i was so intimidated by this, but once i finally sat down and did it, it made my grocery shopping easier and cheaper!

4. for those cheat days on the weekend (or for a monday night when you just need some sugar), i found this recipe. it is full of everything right and good in this world, and its super easy to make. do it. you won’t regret it.

5. we have begun potty training. we are in the “introduction” phase, which means at certain times during the day (usually right after nap time when she’s cheerful and mostly cooperative), we practice sitting on the potty and washing our hands.  its going pretty well. i got this book and its FABULOUS!

6. i’m working on the 2009 Triangle Memory Walk. i’ll let you know more about that in another post.

7. i’m going to bed now. g’nite y’all!!

Charlotte “helping” with the laundry

We all have dreams. Some are big, some are not so big, some are HUGE, and some aren’t even realized yet.  But we all have them.  One of the things I’ve been struggling with lately is wanting to have it all right now.

When I was pregnant with Charlotte, I dreamed of staying home with her and playing games, and teaching her music, and teaching her art, and teaching her everything this world has to teach. Then she was born… and just laid there. I had somehow overlooked the “few” months that babies don’t do anything, they just are. It was really hard for me to adjust to being home and being a mom when Charlotte just ate, slept, pooped, and slept again. I wanted to do so much, had so many plans, and then I was smacked in the face with the reality that I can’t do it all now.

The same is true about my dream to have a big family.  I can very clearly see all those munchkins running around, playing, laughing, learning.  But somehow I forgot about all the YEARS it takes to grow a family like that.  It seems that I overlooked a lot in these dreams of mine!

I have only recently been able to put into words the restlessness I’ve been feeling, and I haven’t really given it much thought power.  But today I read something that really sparked my thoughts toward this subject again. The phrase that really hit me was, “I know I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.”  Selah- pause and think on this

So what are you dreaming about? Do you know how to get there?

There are few events in every generation that everyone remembers. Those moments frozen in your mind, the ones you will remember forever. For our parents, it was the JFK Assassination, for others it was the Challenger Explosion, and for my generation it is September 11th, 2001.

As a child, my biggest fear was that my brother would get drafted into the army and would never return. Anytime there was a rumor or a story of a war around the world, I would get nervous.  The day he called me to tell me that he had joined the army is burned into my memory. The day he left for basic training was a miserable day for me.  After seeing how God was protecting him and helping him succeed, I began to calm down and realize that the chances were that he’d come home.  So the day we dropped him off to report for duty at Ft.Bragg, I didn’t think much of it.  That day was September 10th, 2001.

The next morning, I was on my way to 3rd period Bowling Class (gotta love senior electives!), when I heard rumors that something terrible had happened.  When I got to the gym, our teacher told us that we wouldn’t be bowling today, but that we needed to see something.  He lead us into the Health Classroom and turned on the TV. We saw the first tower in flames, smoke pouring out.  Then the 2nd plane hit. I remember staring at my gym shoes sitting on the desk, I couldn’t bring myself to look at the tv, to imagine what it might mean.  We stayed in that classroom for the rest of the day, watching, discussing, asking questions, making phone calls, crying, … praying, probably for the first honest time.

The night before, we had dropped my brother off at 11pm, so for the rest of the night and the following morning he sat in an office waiting for his paperwork to be processed.  He knew nothing of the tragedy that was unfolding. About 9am, when one of the officers came into the room, all he said was, “Welcome to the 82nd son, we’re going to war.”

Our world has changed greatly since that day. My brother has been deployed twice, to two different countries, and has come home.  It hasn’t been easy for him, he’s suffered a lot.  I’ve never been so proud of someone in my whole life.  I’ve never been so proud of my country.  We witnessed a great tragedy that day.  We must never forget. We must never forget the men and women who have faithfully served to keep another attack from happening; the men and women who have worked, trained, sweat, and bled to serve those in other countries who could not serve themselves. We must not forget to thank them, to love them, to honor them.

We must also never forget September 12th, 2001.  The day that our eyes were opened, our hearts were softened, and our hands reached out. While the 11th was a tragic day that can’t be forgotten, the 12th represents a way of life that should remain.  On the 12th, as the smoke begin to clear, we begin to see our neighbors as friends, our fellow countrymen as family no matter how far away they lived. We were AMERICANS that day.

WE CAN NEVER FORGET.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been watching my cousin’s son, Cooper, in the afternoons.  Yesterday I was over there, Cooper was taking a nap, and Charlotte was playing in the den.  So I took the brief opportunity to do some studying for Stage20.  I didn’t want Charlotte to leave the room so I could keep an eye on her, so I reached over and closed the gate to the kitchen.  It hadn’t been closed but a few seconds when she looked up from her toys, stood up and waddled over to the gate.  She grabbed on, and commenced shaking the gate and screaming.  She was so mad that there was somewhere she couldn’t go.  I tried to convince her that there were so many toys to play with if she’d just turn around, but she refused.  *Light Bulb!*

How many times in our Christian walk, do we do this very same thing.  We stand right at the edge of what we shouldn’t do, the boundary God has set for us, and we scream and whine and shake the gate.  When the truth is, if we’d simply turn our back on what we shouldn’t be doing in the first place, we’d see that we have so much freedom and options available.

I don’t know about you, but that kinda stepped on my toes a little bit.

Yesterday I went to the monthly Youth Management Team meeting (YMT).  As always, Aaron had some tasty goodness to eat (thank goodness it was my cheat day b/c those cream puff thingies were amazing!).  We discussed business, like the ONE Event on September 13th – so excited.  And Tammy taught some stuff.  The teachings are always good, but this one was perfect.  It was right on time and exactly what Jamie and I were discussing the very day before.  We’ve reached a place in our lives that we can no longer just “go”.  We need to sit down and re-evaluate where we are as a family, where we want to be, and how to get there.  The teaching Tammy gave us is applicable to your personal life as well as your ministry.  You can take this lesson and apply it to everything from a business venture to a relationship. Its awesome.  She said she first heard this from this guy.  These are questions and steps that you can take and ask yourself about whatever situation you need to evaluate.  So here are my notes…

“5 Questions for a Life of Fun, Inspiration, and Action”

1. What Do You Want? – (a) find a space and time just for you. (b) make a connection to your core values. (c) get clear on the situation at hand. (d) imagine outrageous success, what does it look like. (e) clarify your bottom line, what is the minimum you’d accept. (f) find the sweet spot between d & e

2. Am I Stuck? or Where Am I Stuck? – where do i feel in a rut? where are there “should haves”? what am i tolerating? where am i frustrated? Now write down all those things so you can stare the problem in the face.

3. What is Possible? – (a) give yourself some time to really think. (b) get away from your usual place. (c) set yourself a target of new ideas, 5 minimum. (d) press the pause button on the “i can’t” voice. (e) as some creative and powerful questions like “if i couldn’t fail, what would i do?”, “whats the easiest/safest/boldest/most fun thing do to?” (f) start shaping your solution for what is possible

4. What Do I Already Know? – ask yourself: (a) when i was on top and having fun, what was it (alone or with others; familiar or spontaneous; inside or outside; self focused or others centered?) and (b) be specific (who do i want more of; who do i want less of; what makes me come alive; what makes me laugh; what helps me escape?)

5. What Am I Going To Do About It? – get clear on your priorities and plan JUST the next step… then TAKE IT

I hope that helps you. In life we always need to ready-aim-fire, then aim-fire, aim-fire, etc. These questions are exactly what you need for aiming BEFORE you fire!  Thanks Tammy!!