what it could be again

jenn-coh-2003

My life has changed a lot since that summer.  That was 2003.  Only 6 years ago.  But it feels like an eternity. So many things have changed in my life since then.  I’m so grateful for most of the changes, but I regret some of those changes.  That photo was taken at Camp Oak Hill … the most amazing magical place on the face of the planet. I’m not even joking!!  I started going there every summer since I was 9 years old.  I was even on staff for 1.5 summers (that picture was taken my last summer on staff).  I was in a very intersting place in my life that summer.  So much had radically changed.  I had radically changed.  But I was still growing (as evidenced my some of my not-so-smart choices that summer).  That was the summer of my first mission trip.  That was the summer of two of my biggest heart breaks.  But I learned so much that summer.

I learned that you really are who you hang around.  I learned humility. I learned forgiveness. I learned to keep walking forward even when  everything within you hurts.  And to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to remember COH without that twinge of regret in my heart.  I know I didn’t accomplish everything God sent me there to do.  I know I let a lot of people down.  I know that there were girls that came to the camp that summer that needed something I could teach them, but I wasn’t there.  And for that, I still cry.  But I can’t change it.  And that really isn’t the purpose of this post.  I guess I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.

What I really wanted to talk about is what I could be again.  For just about as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my self-image.  Looking back at that photo now I realize how beautiful I was, but at the time I thought I was awful.  And I guess what I said before really does have to do with this post because after that summer I really took a turn down hill.  Spiritually I was on top of my game, I was really growing and learning and soaking up everything I could.  But all the changes that I had gone through over that year really took a toll on me emotionally, and I took that out on myself physically.  I developed a bad love affair with Bojangles (lol).  But seriously.  I guess that I told my self that I wasn’t worth it, so why try.  At the beginning of college I was going to the gym all the time, I was eating (sort of) well, I was really taking care of myself.  And I want to get back to that place.  I’ve let things go far enough.  Its time for a change.  And it has to be a radical change.  I think I’m ready for it.  I know I need to be.  There is just so much thinking that I have to change.  But I can do it.

I can do it because I have an amazing husband who is going to be doing this right beside me.  I can’t focus on what is … but what could be. I can do this.

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5 thoughts on “what it could be again

  1. You talked about Camp Oak Hill. I know it’s a great place even though I never attended camp there but my brother did. I did attend summer camp although it was in the mountains. Anywho, the reason for this comment is that Tori Wallace. George and Sherry Wallace’s daughter is looking at going to Camp Oak Hill this summer. I don’t know if you’ve met them yet but I thought maybe you might want to befriend her and encourage her because this will be her first time going and you know how that can be I’m sure.

    On another note, the one thing that I’ve always noticed about you is that when you set your mind to something you do it. If you want to get back down to that weight you will do it and don’t be down on yourself because you still look great regardless. Luv ya girl!

  2. Jen,
    You are an amazing woman and I can totally relate to you on this! You can do this and if you anything from me along the way, let me know!

  3. you go, girl – anyone who has the privilege of knowing you, knows you have what it takes to do anything you set out to do

  4. Hi Jen, Great post. You are a very beautiful and strong lady. I know you can do all things through Christ and with help and support from your hubby. Your Father (God) made us all in His image and so that makes us beautiful.
    Love you,
    DAC

  5. You are amazing and beautiful and perhaps my greatest prayer for you has always been that you would start to see yourself as God sees you. Trust me that no matter what you may think you will have made a positive impact on some of your girls lives from your time as a counselor. You may never know who or how but God will have used you. And for the record I think all the really good counselors feel that they have not given enough and have some regrets about decisions they made or the way they acted at camp…..just cling to the fact that God led you there and God used you there.

    As for the changes you want to make in your life now…..you go girl! You can do it!!

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