My life has changed a lot since that summer. That was 2003. Only 6 years ago. But it feels like an eternity. So many things have changed in my life since then. I’m so grateful for most of the changes, but I regret some of those changes. That photo was taken at Camp Oak Hill … the most amazing magical place on the face of the planet. I’m not even joking!! I started going there every summer since I was 9 years old. I was even on staff for 1.5 summers (that picture was taken my last summer on staff). I was in a very intersting place in my life that summer. So much had radically changed. I had radically changed. But I was still growing (as evidenced my some of my not-so-smart choices that summer). That was the summer of my first mission trip. That was the summer of two of my biggest heart breaks. But I learned so much that summer.
I learned that you really are who you hang around. I learned humility. I learned forgiveness. I learned to keep walking forward even when everything within you hurts. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to remember COH without that twinge of regret in my heart. I know I didn’t accomplish everything God sent me there to do. I know I let a lot of people down. I know that there were girls that came to the camp that summer that needed something I could teach them, but I wasn’t there. And for that, I still cry. But I can’t change it. And that really isn’t the purpose of this post. I guess I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.
What I really wanted to talk about is what I could be again. For just about as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my self-image. Looking back at that photo now I realize how beautiful I was, but at the time I thought I was awful. And I guess what I said before really does have to do with this post because after that summer I really took a turn down hill. Spiritually I was on top of my game, I was really growing and learning and soaking up everything I could. But all the changes that I had gone through over that year really took a toll on me emotionally, and I took that out on myself physically. I developed a bad love affair with Bojangles (lol). But seriously. I guess that I told my self that I wasn’t worth it, so why try. At the beginning of college I was going to the gym all the time, I was eating (sort of) well, I was really taking care of myself. And I want to get back to that place. I’ve let things go far enough. Its time for a change. And it has to be a radical change. I think I’m ready for it. I know I need to be. There is just so much thinking that I have to change. But I can do it.
I can do it because I have an amazing husband who is going to be doing this right beside me. I can’t focus on what is … but what could be. I can do this.